Duped

I never trust people's assertions, I always judge of them by their actions.
Ann Radcliffe, The Mysteries of Udolpho, 1764

Sometimes, in spite of higher education, above average intelligence, experience and fine-tuned intuition, you get taken in by a self-serving scam artist anyway. Once you realize you’ve been duped, you have to work through it in similar process to any loss. First, you must deal with the incredulity and grief. How could you not have seen the truth from the beginning? Then you must wallow in a certain amount of guilt for having been so gullible. The next stage is anger at yourself for having been so stupid, then rage at the perpetrator. Lastly, if you are mature, you rise up and out of it all, and resign yourself to chalking it up to the life learning curve. You humble yourself before God to consider if there are weaknesses you need to work on in yourself. You make a list of all the things you should have noticed and put that in a mental file for future reference.

One lesson that should always be learned from the experience of being suckered in by a con-artist, is noting what is done (or in most cases not done) rather than what is said. Talk is cheap and easy especially to a glib talker so actually doing something requires real effort that the smoozer claims to be able to do but, in fact, is often totally inept at. Women are conned every day by smooth talkers who have learned how to zero in on what their victim wants to hear and then lather it on like thick cake frosting all the while taking advantage of the fact that the victim doesn’t notice that the cake itself is made of styrofoam. Unfortunately, the old adage, a sucker is born every minute is probably close to accurate.

Understand that time is of the essence when a freeloader is questing for a new ride. The longer it takes to weasel in, the more likely hot spots of credibility will be revealed so a user will work quickly. Be wary of any attempts to speed things along regardless of the rationale. Once ensconced, the parasite can take some time to plan ahead for the inevitable day of reckoning while leeching off his new host as fully and quickly as possible.

This scenario happens all too often. If there is any suspicion at all a background check can help initially but even an in depth background report might not uncover serious character flaws that never made it to a public record. The best defense against a potentially devastating alliance with a loser is common sense over emotion. If you have even a slight check in your spirit, or if someone you trust is skeptical, you had better take heed. At the very least, you should be willing to take it slow. Pay attention to little lies and, of course, big ones. Know that anyone who can lie both little and big is capable of any kind of larceny. Keep your lie detector sensors turned up. Give time a chance to prove all things. Most importantly if what he says doesn’t match what he does then it’s time for serious scrutiny.

Ten Rules For How To Spot and Deal With A F.U.L.L. (Freeloader/User/Liar/Loser)

1. If he talks about doing things more than he does them, pay attention. If his skills and accomplishments are all framed in the past tense you can easily test the truth of his claims. If, for example, he touts himself as a handy man, experienced in all manner of building and repair, ask him to install a garbage disposal for you, or replace and/or reseat a toilet. If he finds ways to avoid doing it, don’t press him, just get it done. He may get offended that you didn’t “wait” on him, or he might accuse you of being a nag. Mark that, it reveals unnecessarily high testosterone levels.

2. If he is vague about his finances, or if he claims to have money in the bank but can never fund dinner out or a movie, pay attention. Some people are just tightwads but you can test this as well. Does he find ways to buy things for himself, new tools, clothes, nights out with the boys, but can’t help with your grocery bill, though you feed him more often than not, note this. Remember, a tightwad is no prize either.

3. If he is not particularly accountable for his time, and responds to queries of his whereabouts with less than precise replies, pay attention.

4. If you press him for a specific answer to a specific question and he quickly turns the topic around as though the problem is not him but you, pay close attention.

5. If any problem in his life, whether big or small is always someone else’s fault, and, more often than not it seems to be you, pay attention.

6. If you can step back to who and how you were before this person came into your life and honestly say you were better off, even if lonely, it’s time to find a way out. Ann Landers, the advise columnist, used to have a litmus test question to pose when in doubt about entering or staying in a relationship: If you know you would be better off without him than with him, then do what is in your best interest.

7. If he asks for a loan, or needs a big ticket item like a new vehicle and he suggests it would be better in your name because of some reason, like he is a victim of identity theft and his credit is screwed up, boldly ask to see his credit report. If he balks, pay attention.

8. If he expects everything from you, including working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, moral support, intimacy and gives nothing back in return except whatever charm he brought with him, pay attention.

9. When your suspicions cause you to shine a hard light on the gaps in his credibility and you confront him with his inconsistencies, he is likely to feel cornered and come out swinging or attempt to intimidate you to make you back off. You should know at this point he could be dangerous, and you need to be prepared for that, but more than likely he is just a bag of hot air and a coward who prefers to use clever words to slip in and out of tight places, so call his bluff. Be advised that this might cause him to panic and employ a sudden shift in tactics and he is likely to soften and try to pour on the charm that got him results the first time. PAY ATTENTION!

10. If you find yourself making as many excuses for him and his behavior as he does, do yourself a favor and do more than pay attention, realize you are entangled with a slow-ticking bomb that will one day implode and destroy everything near by, and that means you. Building a real relationship is more than hard work and requires, at bare minimum, a foundation of truth. If you value and expect stability in a relationship know that there is no substitution for integrity and character. A F.U.L.L will claim to have these qualities with clever speaking but his actions will always prove otherwise and cannot withstand the test of time or deep scrutiny.

Pay Attention!